Someone at preschool told me today that I seemed sad. I figured that she knew about my dad (because so many people just seem to) but she didn't. I didn't even realize I was acting sad, but it bothered me. I'm not afraid to be sad, but I'm afraid to be disconnected from the sadness.
Part of my disconnection might be because I don't have the time or energy to ask myself what everyone else seems to be asking. The concerned "How are yous?" are frequent and so are my "Fines." In a mother's life there is school and swimming and groceries and Sad has become a lurker in my life, sneaking up in the form of someone elses observation. I realize how Sad must be impacting my kids and a new ache overtakes me when I think about how they watch with their heart and in their own ways, reflect sadness back to me. The sadness is there in the shadows and unwelcome. It received no invitation into this life.
But it is here, for now. I must say to myself, "I feel Sad." Tears feel good and are at moments, necessary. That is how Sad and I will spend time together, sometimes privately, sometimes in the arms of a caring husband, feeling every molecule of Sad, then trying to find happy again.