For Heart Day

I will love you no matter how many mistakes I make when

trying to reduce fractions, and no matter how difficult it is to memorize the periodic table.

I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce

and as the dark spot loves the leopard,

as the leech loves the ankle of a wader

and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture.

I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship,

and the passengers love the lifeboat

and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale,

and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.

I never want to be away from you again,

except at work, in the restroom or when one of us
is at a movie the other does not want to see.

–Lemony Snicket

The Beatrice Letters