Hi, I'm Tia

My calendar reminded me the other day, it was time for the Fall Women's Al-anon retreat. The dates were set a year ago, entered reverently into my phone with the intent to attend. If we weren't in a pandemic, I'd have been there, beside my mom and 80 other women, in a cozy lodge beside the Mackenzie River, working on our recovery.  

I must preface this by saying I went to this retreat in the fall and spring with my mom multiple times without actually going to Al-anon meetings myself and working on MY recovery. People always thought it was so cool that I was there with my mom, and the messages and teaching were impactful, but I wasn't working any sort of program, at first. My mom got me Hope for Today and it sat, unread, for a long time.  

Alcoholism affects everyone around it, and my first qualifier was in my life from day one so my need for recovery was there, multiplied by having new qualifiers. I just didn't want to go to Al-anon and give attention to/revolve around any alcoholics I knew. Ironically, I still was. My own behavior in response to alcoholism was causing problems for me. I eventually learned that just as alcoholics can work on their recovery from their disease, I too, could work on my own recovery from who I was in the face of the disease. 

The moment of realization that I actually might benefit from being a part of Al-anon  meetings (vs. attending retreats "with my mom") came after a trip to LA four years ago. My daughter was watching a drunk make-up tutorial and it triggered me, big time. I didn't want her admiring drunk behavior. Out of nowhere, I was crying, saying, "I would just die if you got drunk." I was telling a friend about my reaction and, bless her honesty, she said, "Oh, Tia, you shouldn't have said that stuff to her. Who knows what she will do, but you can't put such pressure on her. You need to go to Al-anon." 

I cried in front of my friend. I was ashamed and shame is my direct road to tears. There is so much SHAME with this disease, often projected between family members. I was shaming my daughter for an innocent behavior that did NOT mean she would be an alcoholic. I went back to her and apologized.  (A magical thing for a parent to do). I told her I had a ton of baggage and worry around drinking and had seen it affect so many people, I was deathly afraid of it affecting my own kids. I truly didn't know HOW I would be able to handle having ONE MORE qualifier. I told her I had serious work to do, that she hadn't done anything wrong, and that she was going to do what she was going to do and I needed to work on me. And then I went to an Al-anon meeting, where I shared the first day and felt heard, and felt a long-needed release from my own inner reaction to others' drinking. I never stopped going. 

Three and a half years later, I am in a space of acceptance. I accept myself as I am, I accept my alcoholic qualifiers as they are. I have a sponsor and am working the steps.  Sometimes I stall and I'm currently firmly on step four, which many others seem to stall on as well.  I lead meetings and have taken on a leadership role in my group. I enjoy attending online meetings and find serenity in my Al-anon daily readings. That's the exterior stuff that was the pathway to the interior stuff. 

Inwardly, I have found long-needed peace. I have learned to focus on me, to have boundaries, to look at myself vs. others. I have learned to have compassion for those with the disease.  Al-anon has taught me I always have choices, and for so long, I never felt that. I've been working on not explaining my behavior to others, not swooping in with advice or directing another, not feeling I need to please others, not being reactive, and speaking my truth regardless of potential abandonment. I can see my own progress in the fact that my teenager, whose drunk make-up tutorial triggered fear in me four years ago, is now allowed to make choices around alcohol and have honest discussions with us about it. All I can do is present honest information to her about addiction in our family and she takes that into account with her choices. 

For so long, I was affected by others' drinking and because of how long I was, there are paths carved into who I am, meaning at times I still will be. Over time,  I have tried making small changes that have led to healing. Sometimes I have to make those small changes again. Last November I went to that retreat, and I spoke at meetings, beside my mom. I was finally there, though, "with me."